Supporting Someone Through Fertility & Birth Trauma: What They Need to Hear
There’s a kind of pain that can make the world go quiet.
A kind of grief that doesn’t get casseroles or cards.
A kind of trauma people don’t always know how to respond to — so they don’t.
If someone you care about is going through something like this —fertility challenges, miscarriage, a traumatic birth, or a failed IVF cycle — you might feel helpless. Unsure. Afraid of saying the wrong thing.
But silence can be just as painful as saying the wrong thing.
Disappearing, minimizing, or changing the subject often hurts more than fumbling through imperfect words.
The truth is: these kinds of losses often go unseen.
And when someone already feels like part of their story was taken from them — time, hope, milestones, identity — not being seen in it can add a whole new layer of pain.
So what helps?
You don’t need to have the perfect thing to say.
You don’t need to fix it.
You don’t need to wrap it in a bow.
What your loved one likely needs is your presence.
Your steadiness.
Your quiet willingness to witness the pain — without trying to rush them out of it.
Say something — even if it’s small
Start with something that shows you see them. That you’re not looking away.
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“There’s no pressure to respond, I just wanted you to know I’m here.”
“This sucks. I’m so sorry.”
It doesn’t have to be profound.
It just needs to be true.
Show up with specificity
Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
“I’m bringing a meal this week. Any dietary stuff I should know?”
“I’m dropping off groceries — anything you’re craving right now?”
“Would it feel okay if I came by with coffee and just sat with you for a bit?”
Being specific makes your care easier to receive.
It takes the burden off of them to figure out what they need or how to ask.
Hold space for what was lost (even the invisible parts)
They may be grieving the baby they never got to meet.
The birth story that went nothing like they planned.
The hope that kept slipping through their fingers cycle after cycle.
It’s okay if they don’t have words for it yet.
You don’t need to fill the silence.
Just being there — without trying to fix or explain it away — can matter more than you might ever know.
A Final Thought: Be a Buffer, Not a Bystander
When someone’s reproductive journey doesn’t go the way they imagined, it can feel devastating in and of itself.
But the way others respond — or don’t — can either deepen that pain or gently buffer the edges.
Your support won’t erase what happened.
But it can be part of the healing.
By offering presence, not pressure.
By holding space, not trying to fix.
By taking small, meaningful actions.
You remind them they’re not invisible.
You remind them they are loved and you honor all of their story—even the most painful parts.
I'm a trauma therapist specializing in EMDR intensives for people navigating the grief, loss, and identity shifts that come with fertility challenges and birth trauma. I offer a space to go deep, heal gently, and feel fully seen in your story — whether you're just beginning to process or have been carrying it quietly for years.
Learn more about how EMDR can support healing here